A Blog About An Asian Medical Student. Yes that's redundant.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

A little heartbeat

"just a peck on the cheek. you started screaming though."

And so the first girl who kissed me (when I was in Kindergarten) describes how I reacted when I first felt what it was like to be loved.

How unfortunately that was also the ONLY time I've ever been loved. Heck, it wasn't even love, I think she just thought I was a teddy bear.

So people have been telling me that my first kiss was in fact NOT with my first girlfriend, but many years ago after recess. An incredibly cute seven year old (the RCMP better not read that line) who fancied yours truly had apparently given into her seven year old girl lust after playtime.

I'd like to stress right now, I have absolutely no memory of the event.

From what I've been told, from both her and my friends... I was cornered in a lineup after recess at Dr. A. E. Perry, my first elementary school. This seven year old girl, quite pretty and very underaged, leaned in, and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I've heard that I didn't enjoy it, and struggled to get away. So I guess the first time I was raped was then, and not when I met that nice man over the Internet.

Judging from what I can peice together, it was afterwards I told on her to our Kindergarten teacher. I TOLD on her. To my TEACHER. I was a nogoodtattletailingsevenyearoldmammasteachersboy. Who complained about being KISSED. I can't even argue that I was forced to, because the only one I listened to then (and now) was my Mommy. And she didnt' know. I think?

(hypothetical situation)

David: "Mommy, a girl kissed me today... I didn't like it!"
David's Mommy: "... uh, Ed?"
David's Dad: "Yes Im?"
David's Mommy: "We better keep an eye on David... let's not give him that Cabbage Patch Kid we bought him..."
David's Dad: "Toy firemen and pro wrestlers?"
David's Mommy: "That should fix it."

Actually.... that would explain alot. A WHOLE LOT about my later life.... Wow... I better analyze that later on.

Anyway, tonight while messaging the girl in question, I'm starting to believe that what I have been told about my past is true. Again, I actually have no memory of this. But for the sake of argument, I'll continue. She describes that, after I told on the her... to my teacher... for some ridiculous reason...

"I distinctly remember... I got quite the lecture for that... it wasnt really a lecture, but I cried. "

This forshadows my later life, as every girl I have been with would learn a terrible lesson, and cry. Therefore, it is logical to conclude that in fact, my first kiss was many years ago, and not later when I was in high school (yeah, laugh it up, bitches). For this reason, it is sad to say, but my fears are confirmed - I brought on my own impotency and nobodylovesme myself.

Even the girl this blog is about never dated me. Why? Cause I'm FAT. But also because I probably psychologically scarred both of us in the boot room so long ago. While the world around us hapily brought back dodgeballs and muddy boots, I destroyed the fragile psych that would have developed into my sense of romance.

By telling the teacher.

She's very happily engaged now, and me? Let it be known that I haven't kissed a girl since. Really. I haven't even touched one. Not even a hug... though I msged on in the Internet once. It was special. I'm not even sure what they look like.

I didn't intend to write about something sombre tonight (read: as sad as my love life) but I had some brief MSN messenger interaction that led me to this. Strange.

This blog is dedicated to all the girls I have ever known. For those who I've stayed up for hours thinking of, and those who I have spent nights dreaming of. For every girl who has held my hand, broke my heart, took me to dance, and caused me to cry myself to sleep at night.

To any girl I have ever cared about, you are so beautiful - stay that way.

And to every girl to have ever cared about me - I'm so sorry. Yeah, bad choice.

My dearest, about so long ago, you may be right - I did supress the memory. But not because the moment was terrible. But because I've tried so hard to forget my failings when it comes to girls... thank you, and here's to just another beautiful tragedy.

- David